


Rabbits Die of Loneliness

by Symxalia



Series: ShuAke Confidant Week [3]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Communication, Day Three: Neglect, M/M, ShuAke Confidant Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-14 02:00:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16483937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Symxalia/pseuds/Symxalia
Summary: Akira was willing to wait his feelings out, but Goro has other ideas.ShuAke Confidant Week; day three: Neglect/Death/Rejection





	Rabbits Die of Loneliness

Akira’s in love.

 

The kind of love that keeps him awake at night, forces him to see the sunrise when all he wants to do is sleep, his chest aching in loneliness with each breath as he remembers every interaction he’s ever had with him. Every interaction he  _ could _ have with him.

 

Love  _ hurts _ .

 

His mind’s eye flits through memories and fantasies alike, a hummingbird looking for nectar. Playing with his soft hair. Holding his hand while walking through the park. Sitting at the counter of leblanc in quiet silence, just soaking up each other's company.

 

Meeting Goro’s eyes as he’s shoved into a police car.

 

That’s how it would end up, inevitably. Goro’s eyes are too sharp to not see the lies painted on his skin, his face, his eyes. He’s too smart to not notice his suspicious friend group, or the bruises on his skin from long trips to the metaverse. And he’s to focused on justice to just look the other way. Childhood friends reunited or not.

 

So Akira waits.

 

He’ll wait for as long as it takes for these feelings to go away. In the meantime, he needs to stay away from Goro as much as possible. No matter how much it hurts.

 

Getting out of bed is hard. All of his muscles feel sluggish, his bones like lead. He goes downstairs and then suddenly, he’s at school surrounded by the usual whispers. He’s not nearly as confused or concerned about losing time then he feels he should be.

 

_ Isn’t that Kurusu? _

 

_ he looks really scary today. _

 

_ everyone stay away from him! You don’t wanna die do you? _

 

Akira rubs his eyes under his glas- he forgot his glasses. Dammit. Does he really look so bad without them?

 

By the time he gets to their classroom, Akira is already planning ways to dodge Ann’s questions. He loves her, he’s just… too tired today. So when he opens the door and their eyes meet, he’s ducking his head before he can see her reaction.

 

He makes his way to his desk like that, the whispers following him. Maybe Ann would just think that the rumors are getting to him? It would be easier. For the both of them, if he’s honest.

 

When did lying to his friends start feeling like the easier option?

 

Akira’s thoughts turn sour once again, this time poisoning more than just his mind. leaving him with a strong bout of nausea and an urge to spew every secret he’s ever had, here and now. Who knew guilt tasted like years-old warheads?

 

He continues to avoid Ann’s concerned looks for the rest of class.

 

**____**

 

He’s not fast enough to get away when lunch rolls around though, she snags his wrist before he can bolt. On the upside, he got to hear some very confused whispering as Ann dragged him to the roof.

 

“Alright Akira, spill” her arms are folded in front of her as she stares him down, clearly waiting for an answer.

 

Akira can’t help but let his confusion slip through, “Ann?” when was the last time someone cared enough about him to stage an  _ intervention _ ? Never? He’s gonna go with never.

 

“You’ve been upset” Ann’s posture softens the slightest fraction.

 

“I’m just a bit stressed fro-”

 

“Don’t even  _ try _ that with me Akira!” her voice is  _ angry _ but under the anger there’s something Akira can’t quite place… fear?

 

Akira takes a mental check of what Ann knows, or at least what she’s probably gathered from watching him. He’s been unfocused, he’s clearly losing sleep, he hasn’t been hanging out with the others as much…

 

Dissociation, insomnia, isolation.

 

Oh gods.

 

“Ann, it’s not what you think”

 

“Then tell we what it is Akira! Because I don’t know  _ what _ to think right now”

 

“It’s-” his throat closes up, choking him before he can tell her. It’s such a small, stupid thing compared to everything else. His fists are clenching so hard that he’s sure his nails are breaking skin. If he says it outloud it’s  _ real _ but he doesn’t want it to be. He just wants to forget that his emotions would ever betray him like this.

 

“I’m.. I-  _ dammit _ ” 

 

“I’minlove” a pause, then slower “with someone… I shouldn’t be”

 

“ _ What!? _ With who? Surely it can’t be  _ that _ bad” She says it with a nervous laugh that makes Akira want to just keep his mouth shut. What wouldn’t he give for the ability to turn back time?

 

“I’m pretty sure it  _ is  _ that bad-” a wry chuckle- “ After all, I was enough of an idiot to fall for Akechi Goro.”

 

“Fate really hit me with a bad set of cards right? Giving me feelings for the detective who’s after me and my friends.” it’s self pity, but sue him. He’s a teenager, basically the only time in life where he’s allowed to angst in peace.

 

“What are you gonna do about it?”

 

“Nothing.” he looks up at the cloudy sky with his arms behind his head, forcing nonchalance. 

 

“I know that’s the most responsible thing, but I can’t help but want to encourage you to act on your feelings”

 

What. “what?”

 

“I mean! It’s like something out of a romance novel, a thief and his detective, sharing feelings for each other while the thief tries to get closer and avoid getting caught.” she gestures vaguely, trying to get her point across.

 

If only his life were a romance, then everything would end happily.

 

**_________________**

 

Everything was moving according to plan until about a week later when, upon opening the door to Leblanc, he finds one Akechi Goro sitting a the bar with eyebags deeper than the Mariana Trench.

 

Goro’s never been to Leblanc before, as far as Akira knows, so him showing up here was something Akira hadn’t accounted for. 

 

The both stare at each other with wide eyes.

 

“Kid you’re letting heat in.” Sojiro’s voice cuts through the tense silence “come in or stay out, but  _ pick  _ one.”

 

**_____**

 

Akira can’t help but feel self conscious as Goro eyes his bedroom. Silently judging each decoration and furnishing. He busies himself with cleaning up the loose paper on his desk while Goro sits quietly, watching him.

 

“How have you been, Akira?” his voice is polite, and the guilt from earlier comes back with all the subtlety of a sledge hammer.

 

“I’ve been… alright I guess.” Akira mutters, and Goro’s expression sours.

 

“You’ve always been so honest the other times I’ve asked you that question, but this time you’re lying to me. What changed?” Goro’s eyes watch his every move, seeing each subtle flinch and fidget.

 

Akira’s struck with the realization that he doesn’t know  _ what  _ to say ‘yeah I realized that I have feelings for you and that pursuing them would probably lead to my incarceration or death?’ that would go over well.

 

He settles for just avoiding Goro’s gaze.

 

“Well then, if you’re not going to answer me, then why don’t i just talk to the air for a while?” he says it with spite, like he’s holding himself back from screaming vitriol at Akira.

 

“I went for years without seeing my best friend, my  _ only  _ friend, it I’m being honest.” And doesn’t that make Akira feel like a field full of daisies.

 

“And then, all of the sudden, I find out that he’s in  _ tokyo  _ of all places serving probation for a crime he  _ didn’t _ commit!”

 

“We were both older, more mature, we’d both been hurt, and our defenses were higher, but  _ despite _ that, we clicked back together almost like there wasn’t any lost time between us at all.”

 

Goro moves closer to Akira, if he reached out he could grab him by the lapels of his school blazer. With the ways his hands twitch, Goro looks like he’s considering it. “And then, all of the sudden, it’s like we were separated again except this it wasn’t distance or time, it was  _ you! _ Of all things!” his voice cracks with emotion on ‘you’ and he laughs, sounding slightly hysterical.

 

“You were here but you were avoiding me! Every attempt I made to get close you pulled away.”

 

Goro looks off to the side, some of his anger slipping off of his face to make way for something much more vulnerable, “The only conclusion I can reach is that you don’t want me around.”

 

“So, I’d appreciate it if you’d just tell me to fuck off, rather than to play this asinine game of hide and seek.” Goro takes a deep breath, then backs off, finished saying his piece.

 

“ _ Fuck. _ ” Akira exhales, he expected  _ anything  _ else, honestly. He expected Goro to yell at him, hit him, give him the cold shoulder, not  _ this _ . “Goro, no. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.” 

 

The hurt still hasn’t left his eyes, Akira didn’t really expect it to. 

 

“I’m not- I didn’t want to hurt you” he squeezes his eye shut before saying the next part “I just… couldn’t be around you. It hurt.”

 

“To lie to you, that is”

 

“Lie to me? Akira I don’t understand.”

 

“When I make sure there was space between us as we walk,”

 

“or I when stopped myself from holding your cheek to comfort you after you hit your head last week,” Words continue to pour out of his mouth without Akira’s control, and with each word said he finds himself lighter.

 

“or when all I wanted to do was kiss you but I stopped myself and kept my distance.”

 

“It all feels so much like lying that I just  _ couldn’t  _ anymore”

 

“Akira?” his voice wobbles and his eyes are glued to Akira in a way that any other time he would be filled with elation, but now it only causes him to shiver in dread.

 

“And then there was the even bigger lie that I  _ still _ can’t tell you, because it doesn’t just affect  _ me _ ” as soon as it’s out of his mouth he realizes his mistake. He should have just kept his mouth shut, let Goro believe it was just his stupid feelings and noth-

 

“-The Phantom Thieves, right?” Akira’s eyes snap over to Goro so fast his brain is sent reeling from the whiplash.

 

“I’ve known.”

 

The fear from before is replaced with confusion and he watches Goro, trying to wrap his head around everything that’s happened in the past few minutes. Surely this is all just a dream, right? Maybe he fell asleep on the rooftop talking to Ann. yeah, that has to be it.

 

He pinches himself.

.

.

.

He’s proven that this is very much real when, not only is the pain there, high and sharp, but Goro also when starts _laughing_ _at him_.

 

“I guess that’s fair, I did just throw you quite the curve-ball.” he quiets down before continuing, “I knew but I don’t  _ care _ ”

 

“Before, I said that if phantom thieves truly are just, that I would love for them to be real,” he looks at Akira with trust and something else Akira can’t quite discern in his eyes, “and I can say for certain that if  _ you _ are their leader Akira, then I can trust that the Phantom Thieves are just.”

 

“Goro!?” Akira’s face colors red from Goro’s blunt proclamation, how is he supposed to respond to this?

 

Goro steps back into Akira’s personal space, making his cheeks warm further “don’t think I missed that first part, Akira… I must confess, I’ve been lying to you too.” with that he reaches up and cups Akira’s cheek.

 

“It’s been so hard to keep from doing this…” Goro’s eyes glint like garnets as they lock Akira in place before slowly drifting closed. Akira, as if hypnotized, closes his in turn.

 

Having his eyes closed does nothing to stop him from seeing sparks as their lips meet. Akira inhales sharply and threads one of his hands through Goro’s long, soft hair. A quiet noise of contentment trills in the back of his throat as he sinks further into the kiss.

 

And then, it’s over, and Goro is pulling back but not away, leaving their foreheads resting together. 

 

“... I love you Akira”

 

____

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> this turned out way cuter than I had planned but I'm not at all upset about it
> 
> if you liked this, please leave a kudos or comment!


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